Marriage is much like a menstruation – in that the flow and engagement are very cyclic. Whatever the reason, that is a fact. Men need anonymity – women need space; however, they require attention. The give and take of each party to find the right balance creates a cycle of great times, fights, and great reconsideration of choices. Sometimes, cycles are heavier and have more conflict, or it can be a string of great times never marred, until it is.
The commitment you make at the start keeps you focused – however, you have to have boundaries. It is important. Implementation of boundaries can create larger conflict but it is vital and worth the potential.
It is in our nature to exchange burning the roof of our mouths for piping hot food that is delicious. Without fail, a slice of pizza, soup, ass – these things at some point have left your mouth in pain, swollen, and at times…dead flesh danging from the roof of your mouth that you pick at with your tongue and fingers; but, you still knowingly understand these consequences and put it in your mouth. Our brains agree to the pain while our stomachs gloat.
This past week has been a doozy. In fact, this past year has been one giant shit sandwich. Last November, I lost a very contentious legal battle with my ex-wife regarding custody and visitation due to [sic] legaleeze. That was a huge blow because I had the evidence but COVID and the systems in place to protect my kids failed at every level. Then, my wife’s Father became ill, lived with us, nearly died, stayed with us while we provided him care – the ambulance ride that took him away was the last time I saw him alive. I had back surgery just two months ago and I am about to have an injection for a herniated disc in my neck. In just a few days I am going to test for my PMP exam and I am straight wiped.
This weekend I am on a weekend trip to NYC with my wife and son and although my neck is in brutal pain – us being all together is amazing. Knowing this trip will have an impact on my son’s life is worth every painful step even though I am technically here for my wife’s birthday weekend.
But seeing all the people, the vastness of NYC both out and up, it makes you think about the microscopic impact one human being has and the ego to match. It reminds me of a trending theory that we are living in a simulation. I wouldn’t even know how to describe the purpose of the simulation but for any other reason than being a Monte Carlo Simulation.
Monte Carlo simulations are used to model the probability of different outcomes in a process that cannot easily be predicted due to the intervention of random variables. It is a technique used to understand the impact of risk and uncertainty in prediction and forecasting models. A Monte Carlo simulation can be used to tackle a range of problems in virtually every field such as finance, engineering, supply chain, and science. It is also referred to as a multiple probability simulation. Life’s physical and emotional requirements along with news worthy events make it likely we are living in a Monte Carlo Simulation.
It all makes sense because in order for some to live, others must suffer.
When I was younger, maybe between the age of seven and 13 I used to have very vivid dreams and night terrors. In those dreams I would experience death, multiple times sometimes in the same night. It was terrifying. However, there was a common feeling or emotion, or type of perception that developed over time. As I got older, that feeling would introduce itself as instinct when I deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. Today, as I sit and take one stressful life event after another, I get this wave of that same feeling while I contemplate what to write to my ex-wife regarding our son that will change their relationship forever. This scares me.
I like my life and do not want to die but that feeling of my impending death seems to occupy the reason. I am not doing anything wrong but the weight of the situation is telling my brain of impending death and I really don’t like it. The body is an interesting machine.
Ever since my military service, which exceeded eight years, which ended due to injury…I have not been able to sustain long term employment. In the past five years I have only deliberately made one career accept and quit move.
Today I again was #LaidOff due to reduction in force. I don’t think anyone is going to survive this #JoeBiden #Presidency. I am very discouraged and on top of everything else that has happened this year…this is not something I really needed to overcome. I think I have hit my quota of overcoming obstacles for a lifetime, let alone one single year.
This is bad.
It is really hard to watch the psychological collapse of someone close to you – especially when their fall has a negative effect on your own life and there is nothing you can do or say to make it better.
Every day that passes, I become a little farther away and less capable. Remember this…
I have been on a life journey – one adventure has been navigating WordPress so that a post of mine finally makes it to the airwaves. My first post from a few days, ago, my first first post…disappeared. And I am going to go out on a limb and say that it was a much better read than this will ever be.
I have a lot to say and I hope that through my descriptive life someone learns something new about themselves.
I don’t feel like writing anymore so maybe a second post will come shortly…
Disclaimer: The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.